Mr Suit

A Look at the twat

A Off for his morning dump

A He’ll be in there hours, the c8nt
B: C5nt c5nt C5NT
A Better?
B No. Feel like sh5t L
A You don’t look too bad
A From over here
B Thanks, c5ntox

A Late one?
B Women stuff. Tell you later
A You’re never without a f5cking woman, how can you be having problems, you b8stard?
B Weird sh5t. Met her online. Married. Married to a doctor
A You win that one, surely - more of a future in IT, my friend
B Ha ha. Nah, this guy was minted. Proper harley st merchant. A surgeon. Anyway, history now.
A You never told me about this one, sounds good
B Long story.
A Tell me everything apart from the bits unrelated to shagging
B When I see you
A Done. Hey, did you hear about Accounts?

A Tone?

A TONY

A Hello, Earth to Tony?
B Sorry mate, was actually doing some work there …
A Oh really? Well done, you. Medal etc. So did you hear about Accounts?
B No, wot?
A Redundo
B Wot????
B All of em?
A Apart from Cheesy
B F5cking suits
A I know
A All of snr management C8ntface, Farmer Giles, Cheesy, the lot of them were in Hitchcock till well after 7 yesterday
B Why hitchcock? It’s f5cking massive, there’s only, what, 5 of them, you can fit 25 in hitchcock they could have met in scorcese or even loach
A Ego I spose. There’s 6 of them btw – Leonie from HR was there too
B Oh yeah, forgot weebags. So what happened, were you around when they came out?
A Yeah, we were all working late on the c8ckinig Valentine special and they all came out and they said they see us in the White Horse when we were done
B Did you go?
A F8ck that. We didn’t finish till near 10 anyway. It’s all f8cked mate, they’re gonna outsource everything apart from IT
B C5ntface would do that to IT if he could.
A What, IT? P8ss off! CF will leave you guys till last, the whole place’ll fall apart without IT
B Wot about you?
A I’m amazed I’m still here – that any of the journos are still here. No one reads the content on the site …
B Yeah, but ad revenue! Editorial is bringin in the ad rev so your the f5ckin heroes
A Love your work
A I like this mutual bigging-up thing. Aren’t we great?
A Want to grab a sarnie?
B sorry mate, got a lunch meeting with the team
A Suit yourself
B if I was suiting myself I’d be f5ckin ykw from behind from 1 to 2
A ykw?
B you know who
A Ah
A Who?
B You know, the one from sales
A The one with the nose?
B Yeah but shes got a thing, you know - shes got something
A She’s a bit …
B Wot?
A She’s about fifteen
B F5ck off, shes in her 20s!!!
A And you, sir, are in your late 30s.
B So?
A Anyway aren’t you 40 yet? You’ve been in your 30s long as I’ve known you
B Its a long decade
A Ha ha.
B You must be in yours
A 41 mate.
B Jesus

A What?

A WHAT??
B Your looking good on it mate.
A F8ck off
A Look out here comes CF again :-0

A Hey are you still having it with their laptops?
B NO
B Who told you that? And fucking don’t write it down you complete c5nt
A Relax, it’s only instant messenger, d8ckhead! You should know that, Mr I-freakin-T
B I know, but DELETE IT NOW

B Ok?
A Sure. Done.
B Thanks
A Just wondered if you were that’s all. Mate of mine needs one
B Cool. Talk to me later. See what I can do.
A Nice one.
A Look out, CF alert. Delete all!!


==

A Nice lunch?

A Tone?

A TONY

A I know you’re at your desk I can see you there
A And you’re not on the phone
A You can run but you can’t hide

A Mate? You OK
B I’m getting canned
A What?
B Christopher c8ntface told me after the lunch meet
A Redundo?
B GM
A What? Genetically modified what?
B Gross misconduct
A Huh?

A HUH?

B Says he’s been keeping a book on me
A A book? What like a list of bad things you’ve done
B Y
A C8ck
B Cunt
A Is it right, is he justified???
B Some of it.
A Is it about the ykw?

B what?
A You know, the things …
A you were going to get for my friend
B No. Loo roll
A F8ck off!
B True
A He’s canning you cos of toilet roll theft??
A Yep
A Wiping your arse at corporate cost??!!
B Not funny
A Sorry
B CF says he checks the stalls before he sees me going in at COB
A COB?
B close of biz – 6pm. Then he checks after. Got HR involved too.
A What about a warning?
B Says he doesn’t need one. He’s got some CCTV footage from reception of me stuffing one in my bag.
A Sh8te.
B Total

A He’s using it as an excuse …

A to get rid of you without redundo
B Wot a C8nt. I’m in with weebags in 5. She’ll probably turn my account off while I’m in there. They’ve already blocked my access to the IT database and the Intranet.
A Sh8t. This sounds like the f8cking Eastern Bloc, surely you’re innocent till proven guilty? What’s CF doing now?
B He’s in with weebags preparing for the HR exit meeting.
A Anything I can do?
B Dunno. Get a petition up? No one likes IT blokes tho, all geeks aren’t we?
A Let me think …
B You could speak to Farmer Giles
A Could do, he likes me right now.

A OK will do

A I’ll speak to Gilesy

A Tone?
B Yeah, sorry, that was CF IMing me, they’re down there now. See you mate
A I’ll speak to him, mate
B Yeah.


==



A Ayt?
B Hello mate
B How you?
A I’m good. It’s all good J
B Meaning?
A It’s all sh8te, of course
B Of course.
A It feels strange to IM you without actually seeing you
B Likewise. A fucking relief
A F8ck off – and don’t swear on my time, fella
B I can swear all I like now Im freelance Bugger piss fuck wankface tits
A Ha ha. How mature
B How is cuntface?
A Please Tone, don’t mate - use the numbers, I’m sure they check on stuff like that
B Mate, it’s IM – instant messenger is a webtool, it’s on the fooking web, IT can’t trace it, the only thing is if they look at your screen while your doin it and you know that won’t happen cos you’ve got a desk that faces the corridor so you can see them coming. You can see CF from 100 metres, walking in that stupid way, what is it again?
A Baboonish
B Yes.
A What’s it like then, working for yourself? It was years ago I was freelance …
B It’s genius. I’m literally sitting here in nothing but my pants
A Cheers for that. Enduring image
B No, really, I am!
A I believe you, I believe you.
B Ta for talking to Farmer Giles, I owe you one
A It was fine, I think Cheesy miscalculated his outsourcing budget so there was a bit going spare. Glad Gilesy made sure you got some of it
B Well appreciated. How is he, anyway?
A Have you picked up any other work?
B What about Gilesy?
A Sorry, got out of synch there
B Yes, a bit
A What?
B A bit of work
A Oh right
B I’m actually earning only slightly less than I was when I was there full time – and I get most of my work done in less than a day and a half!! RE FUCKIN SULT
A Jammy. Just don’t tell anyone else that. In fact, don’t even tell me, I don’t want to hear it.
B I spend most of my time in chatrooms
A Are you back on those?
B Never off em mate – totty city, there’s some desperate housewives out there
A Bit dark though isn’t it?
B Dark as you like if you fancy it that way
A Are you still doing that thing … what’s it called?
B FS
A Yeah – what’s it stand for again?
B fear seeking.
A Don’t know how you have the bottle
B That’s the name of the game. I like taking risks
A Yes – like stealing laptops
B Correcto
A And looroll
B Whatever.

B So how is my new bezzie mate?
A Who?
B Giles Farmer, our esteemed MD
A Oh right. He’s still nominally in charge but CF is after his job you can tell. We’re getting corporate directive emails from both of them one after the other saying the same thing.
B Interesting. Talking of emails I got a handful from a certain man with a face like a c5nt to ykw in sales
A What, the teenager?
B In her 20s
A Whatever
B CF’s shagging her
AWHAT
B FUCKING HER
A No. Really? How do you know?
B (tapping nose) I have contacts, my friend
A Shit
B Deep shit …
B … if the incriminating evidence should fall into the wrong hands
A Hmm. Hang on let me think (scratches temple) Someone in IT went, at your behest, into CF’s Sent Mail folder?

B Wouldn’t like to say

B Yes.

B A correspondence of some foolishness.
A OMG
B That’s a bit girly, only girls write that
A FK U
B Better
A So what sort of stuff?
B “Fucking you over Giles’ desk was the most creative project I’ve been involved with at ----”
A Sense of humour? Surely not from CF?
B “Your anal virginity is mine. Meet me in Kubrick on Tuesday night …” Etc etc
A Argh!!! Nasty. Suppose it’s a free country, though
B Not on company time, it isn’t - and using the MD’s office as a fuckpad, pretty sure that’s a no-go in the Contract of Employment. Contract 2 in question is CF’s marriage one …
A Didn’t know he was married – blimey, who’d marry him?
B I know
A Good stuff though – get it in fast because not only could we do with a laugh here, but it looks like CF is about to ‘outsource’ editorial now,
B Relax, Gilesy’s being matey with me – he’s been in touch about me looking after some archiving project so I can slip it in casually.
A Cool. Listen, I got to get back to work, Tone - meet up soon?
B Sure thang, think I can fit you in
A Ha ha
A OK, I best go, CF is starting his afternoon wander
B Ooo ooo, I’m really scared!!!
A Talk to you later.
B Hey cuntface, are you reading this?
A Tone, he’s b-lining it to my desk, stop typing, Im not gonnna beeeable to erass
B Hey Cunty! Not sure how I should address you. Mr Cunt? How do you spell it?
A Hi there, I’m not at my desk right now but I’ll get right back to you on my return

B I think it’s spelled C U N T
A Hi there, I’m not at my desk right now but I’ll get right back to you on my return

B But let me Google it to make sure
A Hi there, I’m not at my desk right now but I’ll get right back to you on my return

B Yes, yes, I was right …
B Hi there, I’m not at my desk right now but I’ll get right back to you on my return

B Also, I Wikipedia’d you and there was much referencing to a certain style of walking, a swinging of arms and a rolling of shoulders that can only be described as baboonish or possibly baboonesque
A Hi there, I’m not at my desk right now but I’ll get right back to you on my return

B Are you reading this, cuntybloke?
A Hi there, I’m not at my desk right now but I’ll get right back to you on my return

B How’s your wife?
A Hi there, I’ve just popped out for a moment. Will get right back to you on my return


A Hello Tony, I’m here now
B Hello? – get you, mr formal

B Cuntface gone now has he?
A You mean Chris Frobisher?
B Who else there has got the face of lady’s frontbottom?
A Well, that’s your opinion. No, he’s not gone yet. You’re talking to him – how can I help you?

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